Dozy Writes

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Hello friends. It’s been a while since my last blog post. 

It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write but I have struggled to maintain enough concentration to sit down and actually do it. 

There have been a number of reasons for this but the main one is that I have had a really tough year meaning that I’ve spent the majority of it living in survival mode.

I feel like I have come out the other side so I thought I’d share the journey of my post break-up year with you.

Bringing in the New Year on your own after a break-up

The New Year brought an entirely different set of circumstances to what I had been anticipating. 

I had expected to take in the New Year in the Spanish sunshine with A.P., the man who I had spent almost 12 years of my life with.

Instead, I found myself newly single and back in the Highlands, feeling chilled during the cold, dark days whilst snow and ice enveloped the house where I was staying. 

Feeling somewhat like Bridget Jones, I sat alone, feeling a pain I didn’t think possible as I processed the recent end of my relationship with a man I believed I would be with forever. 

My only companions were a block of white Stilton with ginger and a tub of Italian gelato – eaten separately in case you’re wondering. 

I focused on these delicacies along with thoughts of my upcoming trip to Australia to ease the pain. It helped.

Score: 5/10. It should be a lower score to account for the emotional distress but the Stilton was truly exceptional.

Getting hospitalised whilst en route to Australia 

After a lonely New Year, I pulled myself together and got ready to fly out to Australia. 

Unfortunately, I succumbed to food poisoning on the first leg of my journey. My existing levels of stress and anxiety meant that I had a more severe reaction than normal.

So extreme was my reaction that I ended up getting admitted to a local hospital in Doha.

Cue an ambulance journey during which I believe I went through immigration and was issued with a visa although I was drifting in and out of consciousness at that point so I have no recollection of it.

I do, however, recall a moment where I apologised to the paramedic, telling him that I was normally a lot more fun than this.

Once at the hospital, I had to reassure them that it was the lingering effects of Bell’s Palsy showing on my face rather than a possible stroke.

Meanwhile, my family in Australia were desperately trying to find out where I was, what was happening and if they needed to fly over to get me.

It was a scary experience but the care I received was incredible. I had to stay an extra night in a hotel to recover although I was still very weak when I eventually made it to the airport to continue my journey. 

I crumpled with relief when I finally landed in Australia.

Score: 3/10. Not an ideal situation to be in but I got to sail through airport security on my eventual departure. I also got to ride on one of those golf cart vehicles with the flashing lights that you see bobbing about in airport terminals and can confirm that they are surprisingly speedy.

Looking after your Australian friend’s 13 year-old son

This was a hilarious experience and a wonderful distraction from my sadness. 

I stayed in my friend’s house whilst they worked away and tried to act as a responsible adult, cooking meals and doing the school run.

The 13 year-old was not your average teenager. He was obsessed with the ocean and wanted to go to the beach every day after school which was an ideal scenario for me. 

We invented stories and made pictures out of the occasional cloud in the sky before returning to the house each night for dinner. 

Score: 8/10. I learned that my tolerance for untidiness is much lower than it used to be after spending hours retrieving missing plates and glasses from his bedroom as well as picking his clothes up from the floor. 

Going on a road trip in Western Australia with your London pal

My friend had been out in Bali and decided to pop across to Western Australia to meet up with me. 

We hung out for a few days then embarked on a road trip to the Pinnacles, a breathtaking national park in Western Australia. 

We wandered through this mystical desert filled with thousands of limestone pillars and watched as the sunset threw vivid colours across the sky.

My friend comforted me as I cried my heart out, my fragile emotions overwhelmed by the scale and beauty of our surroundings.

We camped in swags underneath a sky untouched by light pollution, looking up in wonder at the millions of stars dancing around the Milky Way.

It was magical.

Score: 10/10.  It was an incredibly healing and restorative trip with a good friend who appreciated the spiritual side as much as I did.

Returning to the UK after an incredible trip to Australia

I cried again as I left Australia, loath to leave the comfort of my family who had been my lifeline at a time when I had lost my energy and zest for life. 

It was terrifying to return to a life that A.P. would not be a part of moving forward.

I comforted myself with the fact that I had a new job lined up for my return. It would be a complete change in direction for me which would fit in ideally with my plans for a new life.

Score: 10/10. The support of my family and being able to grieve under the Australian sun made a horrible situation much more bearable.

Discovering that the job you had lined up has disappeared

After much contact with the company whilst I was away and having been issued with a date for my first assignment I contacted the company to prepare the final details and arrange my induction session.

There was no reply. 

Nothing. 

Complete radio silence. 

Unable to do the same job for another company I found myself going back to the drawing board, trying not to stress over my ever decreasing funds.

I began applying for office jobs, something I hadn’t wanted to return to but desperate times called for desperate measures.

Score: 2/10. This was a heartbreaking obstacle in what had already felt like a year’s worth of challenges when I was only a quarter of the way through.

Losing your red jacket whilst walking on Hampstead Heath.

It was the only jacket I owned and I had taken it with me everywhere I had travelled over the previous three years. 

In my tender emotional state it felt as if I had lost a part of me. 

It also meant that I had to use some of my precious funds to buy another jacket. 

To make matters worse, I couldn’t find another red jacket and had to settle instead for a funereal black jacket which seemed appropriate for my mood.

Score: 4/10. It sounds ridiculous because it wasn’t an expensive jacket but it felt like one loss too many.

Getting back into the workplace after a long spell away

During my search for a job I went to stay with my friend and her partner for a few days and on the day I arrived he told me he thought I’d be a good fit for a role he was recruiting for in his company. 

Within a few days I had an interview and a week later I started working again after three and a half years away from a formal workplace.

It was in a new industry in a new city so the first four months felt like a roller-coaster ride as I navigated the change in pace and a seemingly 360° turnaround from the free spirited lifestyle I had been living.

My motivation for returning to work was purely financial but once I started working in an office again that I realised how much I had missed the social aspect of it.

I’d forgotten how much I loved the banter and the camaraderie between colleagues.

Plus getting my first pay packet in three and a half years was a welcome experience.

Score: 9/10. Despite the initial shock it’s been fun to get back to a more structured workplace. That said, I’ve had to deduct one point for their insistence that I turn up every day – it seems that the free spirit still lives within me.

Building a home from scratch again 

After searching fruitlessly for a place to rent I was offered the chance to stay in a beautiful flat for a generously discounted rent whilst it was up for sale.

I had lived out of a suitcase for three and a half years so apart from some butter knives and silver teaspoons which I had hung onto, I had nothing.

No towels, no plates, no furniture.

Nothing.

It was fun building back up again although it stretched my newly found finances.

I found bargain furniture in charity shops and was gifted some items from friends. I also lived a fairly basic lifestyle until I could gather together everything I needed.

It was lovely to have my own kitchen again which I could arrange in a way that suited me as well as stocking my cupboards with ingredients I wanted to have rather than making do.

Score: 10/10. It’s been refreshing to have a regular place to live again knowing that I will be in the same bed every night.

Missing out on the summer heatwave

Whilst everyone around the UK was complaining of the heat, I was stuck on the north east coast of Scotland with permanent haar (sea fog) and a temperature that was struggling to rise above 13°C. 

It also meant that there wasn’t a blue sky in sight, something which I missed having spent some time in sunnier climes.

Score: 2/10. The grey sky and suffocating haar did not help to improve my feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Meeting up with your ex only to discover that you’re still in love with him

A.P. and I arranged to meet up so he could hand over the last of my belongings

It was eight months after our separation and I had started to feel as if I might have moved on a little.

As soon as I saw him, it felt as if nothing had changed.

Apart from some cautiousness over not kissing when we greeted each other, it didn’t feel strange. It was as if we had seen each other the previous week rather than eight months before.

We chatted and exchanged tales of what we had each been up to in the intervening months.

Feeling somewhat sad, we embraced each other and suddenly it was as if a fire had been lit beneath us.

The passion and love were still there.

We sprang apart, both unnerved at the continued power of our connection.

Despite this incredible energy between us we sadly agreed that we each needed different things and there was no way of continuing our relationship.

Score: 5/10. It was amazing to spend time with him again but it left me feeling the loss of him even more keenly.

Meeting a new man in Tesco

Two days after seeing A.P. I popped into the supermarket to pick up some bread and milk.

I also ended up picking up a man – something I definitely did not have written down on my shopping list. 

We started chatting over some green lentils and I found myself admiring him. He was handsome and full of energy.

Our conversation quickly evolved to him asking me out on a date and we arranged to meet up the following day.

It was lovely albeit slightly strange as it had been a long time since I had been out on a date.

As the date went on, I realised that my continued love for A.P. meant that I wasn’t ready for an encounter with another man.

He was also a bit too young for me, a whopping nine years younger. 

When it comes to men, I like them the way I like my cheese: mature bordering on vintage.

I brought the date to a close and then, somewhat dramatically, wept for days afterwards worrying that my time with A.P. had ruined me for ever being with another man.

Score: 5/10. My date told me I had a beautiful smile which pleased me beyond words as my smile was still wonky from having Bell’s Palsy. He was handsome and lovely – he just wasn’t A.P.

Chopping your hair off to forget your ex

I made the appointment on a whim, it was not long after my disappointing date and I felt the need for a change.

The hairdresser asked me if I was sure as she held up my hair to remind me that I was asking her to chop off more than 12 inches. 

I nodded my head vigorously. I had this idea that if I lobbed off all my hair there wouldn’t be any memories of A.P. left in it. 

No memories of him brushing it away from my face, winding it around his hand, or feeling the warmth of it in the sun.

Unsurprisingly, it didn’t work.

After a week of having shorter hair I got fed up because I started looking like Crystal Tipps which just reminded me of A.P. all over again as that was one of his pet names for me when I had bedhead.

Score: 2/10. It turns out that you can’t chop off painful memories.

Burying your emotions by working long hours

This had multiple perceived benefits. It was genuinely busy at work so I could try to keep on top of things plus it meant I was too tired to think about anything else. 

Score: 3/10. Whilst it helped to keep me occupied I ended up feeling as if my brain was fried and I had no energy left for anything social. That was ok though because I didn’t really want to socialise.

Finally hitting menopause after years of anticipation

This was something that I was happy to embrace as I had chosen to focus on the benefits of menopause rather than see it as a loss. 

This attitude didn’t mean that I missed out on the challenging symptoms, it had been a tough couple of years in the run up to it.

I was glad to have reached the next stage but it was slightly bittersweet as A.P. wasn’t there to share it with me. 

He had supported me through the perimenopause and we had looked forward to some of the freedom that would come with menopause.

Score: 7/10. I don’t know how it will evolve but I already feel a sense of freedom from not having to carry sanitary products around with me.

Going away for a weekend for the first time since you stopped travelling

After travelling so much previously and having processed a crazy amount of changes during the year I found myself reluctant to go away again, even for a weekend. 

I’m glad that I did though. 

I had an amazing time catching up with a loved one. We ate some good food, watched a film and enjoyed a sauna on the beach promenade. 

The whole weekend felt wholesome and restorative. 

Score: 10/10. It was a good reminder that a weekend away can be just as restorative as a restful weekend at home.

Reuniting with your work pals from your teenage years

I ended the year with a reunion with my pals who I worked with in a chip shop when we were teenagers.

I have to admit that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go because I don’t know how I feel about reunions as a concept – I worry that it can involve harking back to the past too much rather than looking to the future.

I’m really glad that I went. 

These women, whom I’ve known for over 35 years, made me feel as if I was home again.

Our lives may have gone in different directions but the joy of being together remained the same.

Score: 10/10. Reconnecting with people who have known you since you were 13 years old but give you the space to be who you are now is a treasure I hadn’t fully appreciated.

A roller-coaster year

2025 ended up being one of the toughest years I’ve experienced in a long time. 

In addition to the stories I’ve shared with you, there have been additional challenges and heartbreak this year.

These stories belong to other people but they also had a profound effect on me. 

I spent a large portion of the year feeling sad and overwhelmed. 

There were numerous times when I felt as if I was going through the motions. 

There were times when I feared that I would succumb to the dark, murky depths of depression that I experienced many years ago. 

But I’ve realised that I’m not the same person as I was years ago. I don’t have to follow the same patterns.

Conversely, I also feel as if I’ve been finding myself again and remembering the parts of me that I liked before I decided to strip everything back.

Above all, I have felt supported and looked after. 

My family, my friends and my colleagues have all helped to keep me upright when I was in danger of falling down and for that, I am forever grateful.

When it comes down to it, life is really just about connection isn’t it? 

We help each other through the bad times and enjoy the moments of joy together.

To every single one of you who reached out, who checked in on me and who sent me little messages, please accept my heartfelt gratitude.

Your actions might have felt small but to me, they were huge. 

They kept me afloat and reminded me that I still had so many positive things in my life.

And now, having ended 2025 on a more positive note, I want to take this opportunity to wish you all the best for 2026.

I hope there are many adventures ahead.