Dozy Writes

I have recently been engaging in some fascinating and highly entertaining philosophical debates with a loved one through the medium of voice notes and it has been hugely satisfying. 

My relationship with voice notes is only a few years old and started off with me exchanging some brief notes with pals to provide quick updates or make arrangements. Over time, the depth and complexity of my discussions using voice notes has increased to the point where I find myself talking about beliefs, morals and identity.

Voice notes have featured frequently in my communication with one of my boating pals who I haven’t seen for around two years owing to the fact that we rarely seem to be on the same continent at the same time. Interestingly, whenever it appears that we might occupy the same continent, she moves to another one. I’m trying not to take it personally.

I’m joking because, actually, I feel that our friendship has developed despite the fact that we haven’t seen each other for so long. I hadn’t thought it possible for a friendship to develop in this way because I had never really cultivated online friendships but it has been a surprising revelation.

I suppose I have been guilty of seeing online friendships as less tangible or less important. In part, this belief came from the frustration I felt at having to convey the exact meaning of my words in short text messages without the support of tone or body language. 

I have realised that I no longer subscribe to this belief after reviewing my communications with various friends and acquaintances. The reality is that some of my most ardent supporters in life have been people who I don’t often see in person but whom I still connect with online.

In many ways, online or distant friendships are no different from how we operated years ago with family and friends. We kept in touch by letter and it could take anything from a few days to weeks or months for letters to arrive. That didn’t stop our relationships from continuing to develop.

Learning to debate at a distance

I had forgotten all of that when my boating pal first went off travelling, and I didn’t expect to have much contact with her given that we were unlikely to be in the same place again. However, the reality is that we are probably more in contact with each other now than we ever were before. 

We started sharing photos of our travels and then earlier this year, our correspondence developed into detailed voice notes on the subject of cruelty to animals.

I found it a really interesting experience. We were having in-depth discussions where we shared our ideas on the subject, taking notes as we listened to each other’s responses before replying. 

Our debate ran over a few weeks and during that process, we each moved to another country at least once.

At first, I was quick to apologise if I felt that my response was delayed but we soon established that the timeliness of the response didn’t matter. We were just sharing ideas and there was no pressure to respond within a certain timeframe.

I looked forward to hearing her responses and taking the time to reflect on her words rather than feeling the need to immediately respond.

I am a peculiar mix of a fiery personality that enjoys quick responses as well as being someone that likes to reflect on ideas. This means that my impulse to immediately respond comes with a pressure because I haven’t had the chance to think in more detail about what I want to say.

Many times I have felt the frustration of coming up with witty or more relevant responses sometime after the event when I’m replaying the conversation in my mind.

Modern communication

Communication methods in the modern world are ridiculously instantaneous. I believe that the instant nature and variety of communication methods have applied huge amounts of pressure to us in a way that didn’t exist before.

A few years ago I remember receiving an email at work and then having the sender appear at my desk within an hour of sending it wondering why I hadn’t responded.

I was flabbergasted – at what point did an email require an instant response? There was no recognition of the fact that I had received seventy other emails that morning and I also had other tasks to complete and meetings to attend.

Also, why didn’t they just come through to talk to me in the first place? We could have sorted the issue much more quickly.

I believe that this incident is representative of the unrealistic expectations that we now have with regards to communication. The pressure to respond instantly in multiple formats seems to be increasing and I can’t help but wonder about the connection between this and the levels of anxiety that we appear to experience more frequently nowadays. 

Taking time to respond

This takes me back to the recent voice note discussions I have been exchanging with a loved one.

We always enjoyed having discussions about philosophical matters but our lives have taken us in different directions so we haven’t been in the same geographical location much over the last few years. 

It’s been difficult trying to fit in phone calls when different time zones and conflicting schedules are involved so our ability to continue having these conversations through voice notes has been really beneficial.

He told me that he is really enjoying taking a moment to reflect and to sit with the information and it made me realise how little we do that these days.

I started thinking about this, not just in terms of written communication, but also how I communicate with people in person. I have realised that even in person, I have felt frustrated if someone hasn’t given me an immediate response – or if their response isn’t one that I agree with.

I have noticed this particularly in my relationship with my partner A.P who is a good listener and likes to take the time to reflect on a discussion. These qualities, which are part of my attraction to him, have also resulted in me feeling infuriated on occasion when during a serious discussion, he quietly takes my thoughts on board without providing an immediate response.

I think this frustration may be due in part to my need to fix things and provide solutions. In general, these can be helpful qualities but it can also mean that I am so busy rushing to provide a solution that I haven’t taken the time to consider the bigger picture.

Coming to a place of understanding

In the past I have also felt the need to convince the other person that my ideas and beliefs are correct which in turn means that their ideas must be wrong but I am gradually coming to the conclusion that it’s not about who’s right or wrong.

I am learning that, for me, it’s more important to come to a place of understanding, something that is harder to achieve if I’m not taking the time to stop and reflect.

Sometimes it is uncomfortable to sit with an idea that you don’t agree with. I find it unpleasant and frequently want to jump past the discomfort and set forth on a campaign to be proved right. 

However, as time goes by, I have a stronger need to live in harmony with others. Forceful arguments have tended not to engender goodwill in the past, not just in my life but throughout the existence of humanity. I’m not sure that it feels like an approach I want to continue with.

If that means that I have to take some time to reflect on somebody’s ideas rather than instinctively respond with my first thoughts, I’m willing to give it a try, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel.