Dozy Writes

As you may have realised, I’ve been quite busy the last few weeks with setting up a website for my writing endeavours and trying to get some content online.

The one component that has been lacking is a decent photo of me that I can use for my website and LinkedIn page. You know the kind of photo I’m talking about, one where I look professional and dependable but also a bit hot. 

I have a lot of pals who are artists and dancers so whenever I go onto Instagram I am bombarded with these beautiful images of beautiful people and I think, Jeez, I can’t compete with that.

I can’t compete because, aside from the fact they are generally quite beautiful people in the first place, they’ve all had professional photos done which bring a different quality to the images. I’ve only ever had the odd professional photo done for work and for each of my weddings – yes, weddings plural. I’ll tell you about my Zsa Zsa Gabor tendencies another time.

I don’t think I take a particularly good photo because my face is just a little bit too expressive. For my second wedding, my husband-to-be suggested we have natural photos and I agreed enthusiastically. I’d done the posed photo style at my first wedding and I looked a bit sad because it turns out that I can’t really fake a smile. In fact, when people see me in posed photos they often describe me as looking enigmatic or Mona Lisa-like which has its place but perhaps not on your wedding day when you’re supposed to be looking happy.

My second wedding went ahead with the natural photography style and I will admit that there were a couple of nice photos of me. There were also some absolute horrors. In one particular gem of a photo, I’m pointing my index finger and looking aggressively at someone – I was merely telling them a story. 

So when it comes to photos of me, my options are to look enigmatic or psychotic. I try to err towards looking enigmatic.

To add to the challenge of having an overly expressive face, I don’t take many selfies because I’ve been exploring the idea of dropping my ego in line with some Buddhist beliefs. As a result, I hardly wear makeup any more and, although for the most part I’m quite content with that, occasionally I feel just a little bit dowdy. Let’s be honest, inner beauty doesn’t shine through a filter on social media.

This morning, I was posting some updates on Instagram when I decided that, as much as I want to avoid being driven by my ego, I also want to look friendly and approachable on social media so it was time to take some new photos. I had debated about getting some professional ones done but I’m on a pretty tight budget at the moment so that’s not really a viable option.

Not to worry though, I recalled that I had helpfully saved a post on Instagram a while back that shared tips for improving the quality of your photos.

I searched through my saved items, scanning past the plethora of cute cat and dog videos, the hip hop, swing and belly dancing reels, the Spanish language how-to videos and the fitness videos that I am never going to actually attempt.

Once I found the right video, I watched it avidly and then, because I didn’t know how to pause it, I had to watch it another five times and take handwritten notes of all of the steps involved.

After following these instructions I positioned myself in what I hoped was an elegant pose.  I couldn’t remember how long I’d set the timer for so I stayed in position for about 30 seconds just in case. Once done, I eagerly checked the photo but I must have dropped the exposure too much because it was so dark that you could barely see me. The little bit of me that was visible showed me with my chin jutting in the air as if I was in the huff about something.

Undeterred, I moved through the house to find some natural light but there was some glare on my specs so those photos had to be discarded. Eventually, I moved outside because I’m in Spain at the moment so there is plenty of natural light. I put my hair up, I took it down. I put my specs on and took them off again. I let my hair blow in the breeze, feeling like Beyonce with her wind machine. I was having a good old time to myself.

As I posed and preened, the feral cats that live around here carried on sleeping, oblivious to my modelling. They weren’t the most appreciative audience.

When I returned inside I checked through the photos. All 243 of them. OK, maybe there weren’t quite that many but there were a lot. I’m not sure if it takes everyone else as many attempts to get a decent selfie as it takes me. Knowing people as I do, I doubt that they’re dropping the self critical filter when reviewing their photos, so is everyone else just more practised at it? Maybe they have a more natural smile or something.

So I went through all of these photos, deleting ones where I looked psychotic, too enigmatic or just plain bored. Eventually I was left with a few that I was quite happy with but you’ll be pleased to hear that I decided to keep some of the howlers for your entertainment.

So allow me to present the images that didn’t make the cut…