Dozy Writes

The lost art of the phone call

If you were to ask anyone how they feel about talking on the phone, most people would say that they don’t like it. “It’s so impersonal” they say, “I don’t like it if I can’t see the other person” or “it’s just a bit awkward”.

And they are right. Phone calls are often connected with tiresome or frustrating experiences. We’ve all spent interminable hours going through the menu options and being put on hold by call centres acting on behalf of utility companies or banks. In our youth, we dutifully phoned elderly relatives and felt resentful about being forced to do so. Even when the phone call has been for something that we really want, we’ve tried to avoid making the call. I am sure we have all experienced the trial of phoning for a takeaway order:

“You phone them.”

“No, I phoned last time.”

“Oh, for goodness sake, am I the only one capable of making a phone call!”

Thankfully, the advent of online ordering has taken that burden away from us.

It is strange, this reluctance to make a phone call. Our mobile phones, to which we all seem to be permanently attached, stopped being used primarily for phone calls many years ago. In fact, I’m not sure that they were ever much use for making phone calls. 

I remember when I first got a mobile phone, I was 23 years old and shared it with my then husband because we couldn’t afford to buy a phone for each of us. A mobile phone at that time was considered more of a novelty than an essential item. We all still used our landlines for phone calls not least because the mobile reception was still quite patchy, particularly in the Highlands of Scotland. 

We used mobile phones for text messages and to make the odd phone call but it was really just for emergencies. If we wanted to make arrangements with someone or speak to them but we were unable to see them in person, we still tended to phone them from a landline. 

Despite the infrequency of mobile phone calls, we used to spend hours searching sites like Jamster in order to download more unusual ringtones so that when our phone rang, we could tell it apart from those around us. As the amount of messaging alerts increased, offices and shops rang out with the sound of ridiculous and often irritating ringtones and alerts. Cinemas and theatres started to make announcements telling us to switch our phones off – it never worked, there was always that one person who forgot.

Over time, things changed. We gradually reduced our use of landline phones, opting to message each other instead for quickness. Eventually, we stopped getting a landline connection when we moved house, it was only our granny who ever contacted us that way and even she ended up getting a mobile phone (although her understanding of how to use it was sketchy).

As our use of technology increased, our willingness to verbally communicate seemed to decrease accordingly. The number of messaging apps grew and we seemed to become more and more overwhelmed by the relentless notifications and gradually started switching our mobile phones to silent mode. 

Now if someone dares to phone us, we look at our mobile phone in horror. Why aren’t they just messaging us like everyone else?

The problem with relying more heavily on messaging is that it can often lead to more misunderstandings. To reference the 7-38-55 rule, only 7% of the words that we say communicate our meaning with 38% being communicated through tone of voice and the remaining 55% through body language. So when we message each other that means that potentially as little as 7% of what we mean to say is actually communicated. 

It takes a lot of thought and careful constructing of sentences to soften a message and convey tone, a process that is often difficult to take the time to do in the fast paced interactions of modern communication. So it’s only natural that the meaning of what we want to say can get lost or misconstrued. 

The issue of misunderstood communication is evident in the workplace. I used to work in a Human Resources (HR) department and it became increasingly common to see colleagues shy away from speaking to each other about work issues either in person or on the phone, choosing instead to send an email or instant message. The frustrating fact was that from an HR perspective, a phone call could resolve an issue within two minutes whereas an email or instant message exchange could stretch over days or weeks, often causing large amounts of confusion in the process.

So why have we become so averse to phoning each other? 

I’m sure I’m not alone in being someone who used to love speaking on the phone. In my teenage years I spent hours on the phone chatting to my pals, much to the disgruntlement of my parents.  In my youth, there tended to be only one telephone in a house, usually located in the hall. (One of my pals didn’t even have a landline until the age of 15. If I wanted to speak to her I had to call the public phone box in the village and ask whoever answered it to go to her house and get her. Surprisingly, they almost always did.)

If you were a little bit posh you had a telephone table with a seat attached so you could sit down comfortably whilst talking but if not, you just had to lean against the wall or sit on the floor. Later on, cordless telephones became popular, allowing you to move the handset around the house within a certain range, but prior to that, you were stuck in one place and unable to do anything other than focus on the person talking to you on the phone.  Something that is an alien concept in today’s world.

The arrival of video calls was heralded as an improvement to our communication, making our calls a bit more personal because we are able to see the other person allowing us to focus on them more easily. Video calls were seen as a better option than a phone call and a true substitute for meeting someone in person. 

I have to confess that I find video calls really unnatural because, in addition to seeing the person we’re speaking to, we can also see ourselves. We watch ourselves during a video call, we focus on our best angles, trying to minimise our double chin, perhaps taking advantage of lighting or filters to suitably adjust our image to something we are more comfortable with. But in doing all of this we have stopped listening, we have used up all the attention on ourselves, often missing what the other person has just said. There is no exchange, instead we have just placed all of the focus on ourselves. In fact, we’re not even interested in the whole range of characteristics that make up our person, it is mostly just our physical image that concerns us. Our wonderful and varied attributes such as our kindness, our intelligence, our empathy have all been dismissed in favour of our perceptions of physical attraction.

Of course, we now also have voice notes as an option which are available on most of the apps we use to communicate with each other. I quite enjoy a voice note, it reminds me of being a pre-teen when my friends and I used to record cassette tapes for each other as a form of entertainment. However, as much as I like using voice notes, there is a slightly false quality about them. They only provide half of the conversation at a time and I find myself taking notes to ensure that I address all of the points that someone has made before I respond. I suppose it lacks the spontaneity of an actual conversation in person.

So, could it be time to revisit the humble phone call? 

Let me be clear, I’m not suggesting that a phone call will ever be as good as speaking to someone in person but I am proposing that a good old fashioned chat on the phone can be more personal than you might imagine. Admittedly, the quality on a mobile phone is not quite as clear as it was on a landline but it can still allow us to pick up on each other’s tone and have the ability to exchange thoughts and ideas in real time without admiring our visage as we speak.

Furthermore, I believe that a phone call can allow for an exchange of energy in an almost magical way. In the absence of visual cues, you need to really listen and if you want to feel the true benefit of a phone call then you need to stop doing everything else and just focus on the other person at the end of the line. Hear the other person’s breathing, listen for when it changes, hear when they are hesitant. Listen closely and you can hear someone smile on the phone, you can hear their love. 

Not only do you begin to hear how someone is feeling, you also start to feel freer in yourself. You are not concerned about how you look so you don’t waste time and energy fussing over your appearance. There are other advantages too. Think of a confessional, a hairdresser’s chair or even sitting side by side on a car journey – the one trait they all share is a lack of, or limited eye contact. It can often be easier to share your deepest thoughts when you are no longer constrained by visual chains. Of course, you might not want to feel that level of connection with Dave from the electric company but having an agreeable and mindful interaction with another human being is always more pleasant.

Now, if you want to take the magic of a phone call one step further, practice having an intimate conversation with your partner, listen closely and you will hear their breathing quickening, their heartbeat increasing, and when you pause and really listen, you can feel it, the pulsing of their blood mirroring yours. Suddenly, there is no disconnect. You are connected to one another in a way where the difference in location does not matter. The miles between you are now insignificant and irrelevant. It is almost a connection in a primal manner, albeit with the assistance of technology. 

You have connected with another human being in a different way. Your sensory paths have interwoven and you have bonded on an ethereal level. It is a connection quite unlike any other.

Still think that a phone call is a bad thing?