Dozy Writes

I want you to cast your mind back. Way back to when you lost your virginity. For some of you it might be just a few years back, for others it might seem like a lifetime ago.

The reason I’m asking you to think about this is to find out whether or not you had an experience that is in line with the type of scenarios that we see in films and books where everything works perfectly and there is very little awkwardness. Basically, like a fairy tale.

I believe that the vast majority of us had more realistic experiences when losing our virginity. That said, I should probably point out that my experience was a little bit like what you see in films – think of the 1987 film Dirty Dancing but with golf and tennis instead of dancing. 

A Dirty Dancing Story

That was the summer of 1991 when everybody called me Dozy and it didn’t occur to me to mind… For those of you who don’t know, that was a play on the opening lines from Dirty Dancing.

I was on a family holiday in the south of England and we were staying at an old country house that has been turned into a hotel and country club. It was in a beautiful setting and boasted an 18 hole golf course, tennis courts and a fitness centre and spa. 

We had rented one of the cottages in the grounds so we weren’t subjected to too much of the nonsense around dress codes – blazer and tie for men entering the bar please.

My brother and I had become keen tennis players whenever we went on holiday, however we didn’t yet have our own tennis rackets so we needed to hire them from the golf hire shop at the resort. That was where I met my very own version of Johnny, the main character from Dirty Dancing. 

I was immediately drawn to him. He had lightly tanned skin, blue eyes and caramel brown hair that hung down either side of his face – remember, this was 1991, the curtains hairstyle was all the rage.

It was clear from his reaction that he fancied me too. Popping into the hire shop every day to book a tennis court and hire some rackets became the highlight of my day. As each day passed, the level of flirting increased.

A proposition

Now, I was never the kind of girl to sit quietly and wait for an invitation. I preferred to be proactive so, aware of the limited time we had left, I decided to proposition him. I made an unscheduled afternoon visit to the hire shop and, heart hammering like a 1990s rave tune, I cleared my throat.

‘Erm, would you like to get off with me?’

‘Yeah,’ he replied, looking at me in appreciation. I let out a huge sigh of relief. He’d agreed to my proposition so now all we had to do was to make the arrangements.

‘Cool, I’m heading to France for the day tomorrow but do you want to meet up afterwards?’ Oh, how casual I sounded, as if it was a normal occurrence to pop over to France for the day.

We made arrangements to meet up after dinner the following day and I was looking forward to having a snog with a gorgeous lad. You see, in the Highlands, asking someone to get off with you just meant a snog. 

It turned out to mean something completely different in Kent.

The following day we headed to France, getting the hovercraft over to Calais. Despite the excitement of being on a hovercraft (huge!) and exploring Calais (fascinating!), I could only think about my upcoming date with the lad I’m going to call Johnny.

The time came to meet up and we quickly moved on from awkward shyness to full on snogging. We chatted in between, talking about our hopes and dreams. He was training to become a golf pro. I wanted to be a journalist. He was three years older than me and had a slight air of being more worldly but really he wasn’t that much more mature than me.

Is this a squash court?

We eventually ended up outside a bland looking building in the grounds of the resort and Johnny took my hand and led me inside, locking the door behind us. I looked around, we were in the squash courts. How fantastic, I’d never been near squash courts before, having only seen them in film and TV.

Soon, I was unable to concentrate on my surroundings as he wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling my neck in a sensual way that I didn’t think happened in real life. I was euphoric.

We moved to the floor, exploring each other’s bodies with a passion I’d never felt. Before I knew it, I could feel him pushing inside me and my eyes popped open in shock at the sensation. There was a burning pain signalling my disappearing virginity and I tried to relax, knowing this was natural but it still felt odd and slightly uncomfortable. I wondered if it would be like smoking where the first few times you do it aren’t great but then you get used to it.

All of these thoughts were running through my head as he moved inside me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want it to happen, I really did, and on one level I was enjoying myself but on another level I was puzzled by the experience as it was different to how I thought it might be.

My brain was processing so many sensations and emotions that it was indescribable. I gave myself a shake, wanting to make the most of the experience. He certainly seemed to be enjoying himself and I could see that he wanted to make it nice for me even if he didn’t know that I had been a virgin. 

Transfixed by his intense gaze, I let go of all of my worries and relaxed into the experience.

A disturbance

Suddenly there was a loud banging on the door. Eyes wide with shock, Johnny withdrew from me and we looked down at the same time, seeing the blood, a tell-tale sign of my lost virginity. I grimaced at him before we launched into action, hurriedly throwing on our clothes, letting Johnny rush to unlock the door.

The people waiting outside were looking at us suspiciously and Johnny made an excuse about not realising the door was locked. Our flushed faces and crumpled clothing gave our secret away and I walked out of the door with my head hung low in an effort to avoid their questioning looks.

We spent the next hour trying unsuccessfully to find another quiet place but eventually we decided to just walk and talk. To be honest, I had been slightly overwhelmed by my first experience of full sex. I was happy to just sit with Johnny and process what had happened.    

A time to reflect

When I returned to the holiday cottage later, I made my excuses and headed to bed, eager to sit with the new knowledge I had gained. I felt like a different person but I wasn’t sure that the experience had fitted in with what I thought it would have been.

For starters, I’d only asked for a snog but this was an early lesson that words can have different meanings in different cultures – the Highlands of Scotland and the South of England were, and still are, vastly different in culture despite the fact that we occupy the same landmass. I wasn’t upset about the fact that we had different ideas around the evening’s proceedings, after all, my virginity was something that needed to be lost so I might as well have done it then as any other time.

I also reflected on the intensity of the experience. I had felt a strong connection with Johnny and he seemed like a nice lad so I wasn’t upset at my choice of mate but my mind kept returning to how awkward it had been at times. There had been points where I didn’t know what I was doing, where I had felt uncomfortable with my lack of knowledge and experience.

After worrying over this for a while, my teenage self decided to gloss over the awkwardness and I started to create a version of the tale where I had been confident and it had been a fun and easy going experience right up until we were interrupted. I started to fashion it into a hilarious tale. After all, none of my friends had, or were likely to lose their virginity in a squash court. 

I soon filed it under the section of my brain labelled fun experiences and went on with my life. To this day, I get a fond feeling when I think of Johnny. He was an important part of my life, my companion in the first major adventure of my sexual awakening.

Passing on the knowledge

Many years later, I found myself in the position of being an adult speaking to teenagers about sex. I don’t have children of my own but I had always vowed to be honest about sex when speaking to younger people about it. I felt a duty to be clear about the reality of the situation rather than go along with the common narrative.

Films, books, TV shows and society in general all seem to sell the idea that losing your virginity is an amazing and easygoing experience without awkwardness or embarrassment – unless of course, you’ve watched the millions of American Pie films that seem to exist. 

For the vast majority of people, losing their virginity is a weird and awkward experience full of moments that make you groan for the wrong reasons as you recall your ineptitude or lack of knowledge.

Some years ago, I was chatting to a younger person about sex and they informed me that they were going to wait until they found someone they loved because that would make it special. I thought this was a lovely notion but as we spoke more, I realised that they had an overly romantic notion about how it might be and I felt the need to help them understand more about the reality of the experience.

‘Well, the thing is…’ I started speaking, slightly hesitant about the level of honesty required in this situation. ‘Losing your virginity can be a slightly awkward experience and not always fun.’

‘Oh really,’ they said, leaning forward with interest.

‘Yeah,’ I replied, warming to my theme as I started to list the many possible issues.

• Neither of you really know what you’re doing.
• Girls might feel a little bit of  pain initially. 
• Boys might get a bit overexcited and orgasm too quickly. 
• Girls might not even have an orgasm the first time or they might not be sure if they have or not because it’s a tricky thing to describe.

I could see the shock in the young person’s face as they tried to absorb this information. To be fair, I had imparted a lot of information in a short time.

We chatted about these issues for a while before I shared some other facts:

• Bodies don’t look like they do in porn or mainstream films and that’s perfectly fine.
• You might make funny noises during the act – rest assured, everyone has made a funny noise at some time.
• You don’t need to be a circus contortionist and do crazy positions if you don’t want to.
• You don’t need to film it, in fact it’s probably better if you don’t.
• You don’t need to shout abuse at each other like you see in porn films.

I let all of this information sink in before giving my final piece of advice. 

‘You don’t need to love a person to have sex with them but you should respect them and they should respect you.’

It was a fascinating conversation and I could see I had given them a lot to think about. 

It’s time to stop perpetuating lies

Perhaps some might think that I shouldn’t have said everything that I did but I think it’s important to dispel the myths that surround sex. I am not an expert but I can speak from my own experiences and those of my friends and I don’t want to be a part of the perpetuation of lies and mistruths.

Lies and mistruths that can often leave people feeling bad about themselves when their experience fails to live up to their expectations. Why would we want to do that to someone?

If you are a parent or guardian, I can imagine that the idea of your child having sex is horrifying, even when they are at an appropriate age, but I believe that being open about it can help to normalise sex. After all, it is something that the vast majority of us engage in, it seems silly to be prudish about it.

So I would like to encourage everyone to have more honest conversations about sex and what it can be like to lose your virginity. The conversations don’t need to be seedy or tacky, we just need to be open.

Perhaps if we do that more, we might be able to dispel some of the ridiculous fairy tales that surround the act of sex and help others feel better about themselves in the process.